“My Daughter Now Eats Only “Clean Cooking” – And She Curses Me” – Mishpacha Magazine

How do I honor his deep faith while maintaining my dignity and the dignity of my food?

On the scale of life’s worst events, this is probably less than 1, but I’d appreciate some guidance anyway, because, frankly, my last nerve is shot. My 17-year-old daughter recently adopted a “clean diet.” This wasn’t my first rodeo, I went with it. In fact, if I say so myself, I have been a mess, giving him the freedom to enter the kitchen and even think about paying the house to pay for his natural products.

But I have a hard time hearing my cooking criticized. Telling my other children that the food I cook is poisonous and full of toxins is crossing the line. So that you understand the magnitude of the issue – we went from needing a full 9×13 potato kugel on Erev Shabbos to a small bread pan for my husband, who has remained steadfast and faithful to me ( and my kugel).

How do I honor his deep faith while maintaining my dignity and the dignity of my food?

Ythe previous ears I had a wise watcher who used to talk about difficult situations and failures like RLE’s: Rich Learning Experiences. I believe your problem is another example of RLE. Hashem gave you a great opportunity to teach your daughter and all other children the right way to disagree.

You can teach them about respectful conversation, discussing ideas without insults, about the relative importance of things and ideas, and that few things in life are black and white. Your kitchen has become a laboratory in which to learn the art of respecting each other while taking certain ideas for granted. This is an opportunity to talk about gratitude, to explain that we can appreciate what we have and what people do for us even when things don’t go as well as we wish.

Sounds like it’s time to talk about mutual respect. It may surprise him to hear that you don’t think “clean eating” is the ultimate and final thing, but that you support him because it’s important to him. Let him know that you would appreciate that respect too, as your house is run with respect.

And if all else fails, give him an apron and tell him he’s welcome to cook all the meals for the family from here on out, while you sip your Slurpee in peace on the deck.

When I got married a few months ago, all my sisters told me that Big Sister was expecting a lot of calls. I was a good girl and called as often as I could, until I realized that I really didn’t enjoy these calls, which were basically Oldest Sister monologues about something everything under the sun, from unsolicited family and marriage advice to updates on everything happening. in his life, along with his strong opinions about what everyone he knew was doing wrong. I didn’t understand anything.

So I started calling often. Now, I call him once every few weeks, when I know I have the patience and space to listen to him for an hour. I have become one of the people he complains about to my mother and sisters, and he accuses me of being cold and cutting him off from my life. How can I explain that my idea of ​​a good sisterhood is not the same as hers? Or should I go back to frequent calls to keep the peace?

Land let’s discuss this “peace” you speak of. The Chofetz Chaim elaborates on the halachah that allows telling a white lie for the sake of peace, quoting the pasuk “Average rate — Went away from shaker, lie.” He explains that mahcloke is a sheker. Although one cannot tell an outright lie, if one avoids the truth in order to avoid machlokes, one is actually working on the emes definition of truth.

I guess I’m wondering what part of complaining about others, gossiping about them, and general indifference qualifies as bringing more peace to the world.

Old parts die hard and aging does not guarantee that a person will grow up. I wonder if this power is as old as your family. It sounds like your sisters have arranged a dance where Big Sister is in the middle of the circle, deciding at any moment who is in and who is out. I don’t know if this is a role he has played forever, but sometimes stepping out of the ring and into a new one (your marriage) gives you a new perspective. And what seemed like a good cha-cha-cha can suddenly feel like a lot of people in heels running around—or worse, stepping on each other.

With the gift of your vision comes the responsibility to make conscious, healthy choices that are best for you and your new family. They (him) are your priority. How are you getting off the phone with Oldest Sister? Are you in the right frame of mind to cross your house? Do you feel empowered and motivated to see the best in everyone, including your new husband? Or vice versa?

I thought so.

We need to redefine peace. It’s not just the absence of conflict; refers to the area of ​​the shleimus. The current energy does not support health or wellness – not for you, and not for your family. No one likes chaos – there’s a reason you’ve been a “good girl” for so long – but it takes a lot of courage to initiate change and rock the boat when the boat is moving upstream of indifference. The day you learn that it’s okay if not everyone is happy with you all the time is the day you are free to do ratzon Hashem.

I am not advocating causing earthquakes and tidal waves in the family system. I’m talking about staying calm and staying true to your values ​​and living gently with the limits you seem to have – and then drawing on your inner strength when you step back. Big sister might not like it. That’s right.

No one else knows it’s okay. They all live by the unwritten rule of family law that says it’s not okay to offend Old Sister (or maybe anyone at all, for that matter, I don’t know, I haven’t seen the codebook). But I’m here to tell you that it’s okay to gently stop bad behavior. It’s okay to believe that you and your family can hold each other to a high standard. I don’t know about absolute power, but maybe you can be an agent of change by asking your sisters to respond neutrally the next time your older sister complains about you. “I really don’t feel comfortable talking about Chani. If you have offended him, maybe talk to him directly.”

In this great problem there is an equal and opposite opportunity for true peace. Wishing you the strength to pursue it and the peace of knowing that doing the right thing is a “good girl.”

Recently I was talking to my mother about my brother, who is just starting shidduchim, and he was going on about the type of girl that would match his good status. My little sister tells me about her chest and I think my mother would be very surprised if she knew where she is holding it. Is it my job to fix his vision?

Your job is to encourage your brother to talk freely with his mother about where he really is. For the good of all.

And don’t be surprised if your mother doesn’t know anything as she pretends to be herself when she talks about her child whom she loves very much.

Sara Eisemann, LMSW, ACSW, is a licensed therapist, Directed Dating coach, and certified Core Mentor.

Do you have a question or situation that you want Sara’s insight and perspective on? Now we talk! Send your questions to familyfirst@mishpacha.com. This column will appear monthly.

(Originally published in Family First, Issue 900)